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Just a quick post to let you all know that I’ve started another blog.  I’m not stopping this one, I’m just doing the other one in addition.

If you’ve been following me for at least several months, then you know (from my post “The 6th Trimester“) that I’ve been dealing with symptoms of pelvic organ prolapse (POP) ever since my baby Todd was born over a year ago.

Fortunately, I’m doing quite well– all things considered!– and my symptoms are mild most of the time.  To be clear, I’m far from feeling back to my “old self,” and the only time I have zero symptoms (i.e. pressure and “bulgy” sensations) is when I’m sitting or lying down.  I certainly have had to avoid/limit or modify certain activities to prevent feeling worse!

At this point, I still realistically expect further progress and healing.  And that’s the point of my new blog.  It’s called FROM PROLAPSE TO PEACE, and it’s a place for me to blog daily in a journalling style.  I end each post with “I am healed” because that is what I am manifesting daily.

Sure, I have moments and hours when I feel sad or frustrated about my predicament, but since I’m generally a happy and optimistic person, my goal with the new blog is to keep the general tone one of gratitude and positivity.

Each post is short and sweet because my goal is to blog daily.  It’s a different writing style for me since I’m usually very long-winded and my posts on this site tend to take days and weeks to write.  It’s liberating!

So there you go.  Check out the site, if you like.  Follow me there, if you like.  Share my new site…if you please?  I’m finding out that prolapse is much more common than you might think!  My goal is to connect with others who may be going through something similar.

Here’s the link…

From Prolapse To Peace
http://fromprolapsetopeace.wordpress.com/

One year old - August 21, 2015

One year old – August 21, 2015

~9:30 PM on August 21, 2015

Usually my posts are so long and detailed that they take days to compose.  Right now, I’m attempting to get this done tonight.  The picture above was taken just a short while ago.  In the moments before I took it, I felt the same heart swell that I feel at least 1000 times every single day.  I love Todd so much that it makes me get a little teary at various moments all the time.

When I look back on my life before Todd, I know that it was really, really good, but I can’t help but look at the “before Todd” pictures and see that HE wasn’t there.  I see a certain emptiness.  It’s so weird and so wonderful.  And scary, too:  I don’t know how I would go on if something bad happened to him.  But I can’t think about that…

Actually the purpose of this post is to talk about today.  Today was Todd’s first birthday.  It was a great day.  I knew it was coming.  I’ve thought about it a lot.  But even I was surprised at how emotional I felt today.  It was a happy teary kind of day.

The day started when Eric surprised me with a thoughtful card.  Todd and I had a fun morning in the house, then after his nap I took him to the Imagine Children’s Museum (Everett, WA) for the first time.  Eric was able to join us there, and then we went out to dinner.  Back home, there was the usual evening rowdiness followed by my wild, active toddler turning, like putty in my arms, into my sleepy, cuddly baby.

When I look at Todd and I feel so much love, I know that it’s because he’s made from us.  Not like, “he’s our son so of course we love him,” but somehow it feels like much more than that.  Todd is the product of a LOT of love that Eric and I have for each other.  And I do believe that higher powers were at work in creating him, too…

Now– this might seem like an out-of-place time to say this, but it’s only true:

Todd’s Birth Day was THE worst day of my life.

I felt that way from Day 1.  Is that shocking?  It feels very shocking to me.  But it’s the truth, and it’s something that I live with every day to some degree or another.  I first mentioned it when I wrote up the post about Todd’s Birth Day (it’s at the very end), and I bullet-point listed the reasons why.  At the time, I was almost 1 month post-partum, and I honestly figured that the feeling would be temporary.  I mentioned closure in that post, but now I doubt if I’ll ever get full closure.

But– today I did have one epiphany that gave me a small degree of that closure.  What I realized today was that the overwhelming, almost painful love that I feel for Todd MUST BE THE SAME THING as “that” feeling– the euphoria, the adrenalin rush, the birth “high”– that I wanted but I absolutely did not feel at the time of Todd’s birth.  (Recall that all I was capable of feeling was relief.  I was 100% physically depleted.)

I’ve been looking forward to this day for a long time.  I knew that Todd’s birthday would be so much better than his birth day!  But like I said at the beginning, I wasn’t prepared for how emotional I’d feel.

So I’d like to take a moment to rejoice in all the ways that today brought me pleasures and joys that Todd’s birth day did not:

  • On Todd’s birth day, I endured tremendous physical pain and exhaustion.
    Today there was none of that!
  • On Todd’s birth day, I didn’t have him until late in the day.
    Today I had him with me all day!
  • On Todd’s birth day, I only got to hold him for a few minutes.
    Today I held him, hugged him, and loved him all day!
  • On Todd’s birth day, Eric, Todd and I didn’t have any family bonding time.
    Today we had plenty of bonding time!
  • On Todd’s birth day, my niece Ashley (who was with me during labor) wasn’t able to see him at all.
    Today she saw him via video chat!
  • On Todd’s birth day, I had to go to the hospital, and I felt like a failure.
    Today, I was in the vicinity of the hospital, and I actually haven’t felt like a failure in a long time!

AND–

  • On Todd’s birth day, I didn’t feel euphoria.
    Today I felt it!  Every day, I feel it when I’m with Todd.

Todd’s birth day WAS the worst day of my life.  However– every one of the ~365 days that he’s been in my life since have been the BEST days of my life.

Here are a few more pictures from today:

Morning bottle

Morning bottle

Elisa & Todd

Elisa & Todd

At the Children's Museum

At the Children’s Museum

Well it seems that it’s just a wee past midnight now, so it’s actually August 22nd now.  But I did fulfill my goal.  So, GOOD night!

 

"There are those who are appalled because I am so vocal about injustice, yet I am equally appalled by their silence." Lujene Clark

“Every time you purchase animal products you pay assassins to murder sentient beings for you.”

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