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Todd at 6 months old – February 25, 2015
My baby Todd will be 7 months old tomorrow, and I still can’t get over how much he’s added to my life and my marriage. I know it sounds cliché, but my heart really does overflow with love a thousand times a day. Every morning is Christmas morning! My heart melts every time I open Todd’s bedroom door, peer in, and I see him grin back at me so big. He starts each day excited!
It still feels surreal that Eric and I actually created a little person! We both trip out frequently because there really is a baby in our house. Our house? We have our own little family now. It’s still weird!
I ask Todd all the time, “Where did you come from?” but I know that he was a gift– from God, the higher power, the great source, whatever you want to call it. I’m not religious, but I do believe in “something” even if I can’t put a label on it. I know for sure that we have Todd because we were meant to experience this kind of love and happiness. Todd was meant to be born!
Yes, I was honestly a very happy childless woman. We’ve had a very happily childless marriage. It was a choice that we made over a decade ago and it was not a decision that I ever second guessed. I felt very secure in it, and I loved our active child-free lifestyle.
All of this means that I can’t get over how quickly I could switch to the “other side.” How did I become that woman who now loves being a mom?
I’m going to be really honest here. Before I had my own, the thought of having kids (or even just one kid) used to sound just too mundane to me. It lacked excitement. It lacked fun. Most of all, it sounded like way too much work! You know that saying about how being a mother is the hardest and most rewarding work there is?
Yeah– well, all I heard was the “hardest” part. And sure, maybe some people might find that sort of thing rewarding, but I wanted something different for my life! It wasn’t for me, it wasn’t for Eric, and it wasn’t for us as a couple. We had our freedom, baby! We weren’t burdened with such a big responsibility!
No one pressured us to have kids, but my sister did try to gently clue me in quite a few years ago. She told me it was better than any activity that you could do: Better than the best ski run! I politely nodded and remained unswayed.
Of course, I’ve loved being an aunt. My bond with Ashley is beyond special: it’s the closest thing to having a daughter. But, being an aunt was always good enough for me!
So now here I sit in a totally different place. And what have I learned?
Number one, my life has new meaning. Now it’s all about caring for and nurturing this new little person. I’m Todd’s mama and I want him to have a great life. It feels so completely natural now, that I’d want to do everything in my power to help him grow up healthy and happy. He’ll know for sure that he is loved and respected.
Number two, if parenting is mundane, then I don’t seem to mind! There is a beautiful simplicity to life right now. I’m so fortunate that I can stay at home with Todd. I needed the break from work. I’m a homebody, and I’m enjoying the slower pace. Surprisingly, in some ways I feel less burdened with responsibilities than before. (Odd)
Number three, watching a baby grow and discover the world is completely entertaining! There’s nothing boring about my days, and every day brings new explorations for Todd. (I’ll admit that I like reading children’s books, too.) I get to be a kid again, and that is fun! I smile and giggle and laugh for new reasons every day.
I look back on my life “before Todd.” My pleasure and entertainment in life came from very active recreational activities like skiing and mountain biking. I thrived on the movement and the adrenaline that those pursuits released.
I do sometimes think about how Eric and I can no longer get up before the crack of dawn on a Saturday and go bust our butts on our bikes all day somewhere, way out in the mountains. Part of me misses that. But I’m finding that I don’t miss it nearly as much as I thought I would.
I feel confident that my life filled with strenuous outdoor adventures is far from over. It’s been modified, but that feels okay! I’m going to love sharing my “former world” with Todd when he gets a little older. I’ll experience that rush of endorphins again…as I ski and hike and bike with Eric and Todd.
I know it’ll be sooner rather than later when Todd first experiences the thrill of sliding on snow…and that will be a thrilling day for me! In the meantime, I’ve had plenty of fun taking my turn skiing while Eric watches Todd in the lodge. Before we know it, we’ll all be shredding the cords and tearing up the pow…together!
Number four, I get it now! It’s true: It’s different when it’s your own kid. I couldn’t get it before because I didn’t have Todd. No amount of simply “telling me” was going to work.
An acquaintance at the Mission Ridge ski area this winter told me that him and his wife are still on the fence about having kids. At the time, Todd was about 4 months old. I reminded Nate that we weren’t at all on the fence (we were as far away from the fence as you could get!)…and yet now we’re so happy that we have Todd.
I still think about that brief chairlift conversation from time to time, and it’s one reason why I’ve been wanting to organize my thoughts on this topic and actually put it down “on paper.”
If I hadn’t become unexpectedly pregnant with Todd, our lives would have gone on as they had before. That would have been great! We wouldn’t have known what we were missing, as they say. But since we were surprised in the best possible way, I’m grateful that Todd came along exactly when he did.
I’m glad that he didn’t come sooner, and I’m glad he didn’t come later. He came along at the perfect time. I wouldn’t go back and change any phase of my life. I feel like I’ve gotten to live and enjoy life “both” ways.
That’s the beauty of having a first child past age 40! For 20+ years, Eric and I enjoyed the “unburdened” lifestyle of the childless, with all of the “pros” that go along with that. Now we’re in the midst of our next life adventure with child (singular!) Now we get to experience the depth of love and all the cool things that go along with having a kid.
Yes, sometimes parenting is very hard work. Yes, I’m positive there’s lots more hard work waiting for us in the future. It doesn’t take much to figure that out!
But, Todd is clearly more than worth all the hard work…
I get it now!
Dear Andrea,
You don’t know me, but you know my parents. All I know about you is that my parents are fond of you. You work at a coffee shop that my parents frequent. Your baby girl was born yesterday…Congratulations!
My mom was anxiously awaiting the news of your girl’s birth just like she was waiting for news of my baby boy’s birth just 12 weeks ago. Last evening, mom shared with me that you went into labor at 2 AM and that you started pushing at 6:30 PM. After 2 hours of pushing, mom was waiting for imminent news! After 3 hours of pushing, she shared that you needed a c-section.
I want to write you because your story struck a very familiar chord with me. I want to put this on my blog because I know I’m actually writing to a lot more women than just you!
My baby will be 3 months old in one week…which means I’m almost 3 months removed from all the very raw emotions surrounding my baby’s birth. I’m nearly 3 months into my physical healing. I can tell you that three months out is a really good place to be!
I don’t know you, Andrea. I don’t know anything of your hopes and dreams for your baby’s birth. I don’t pretend to know what you are feeling right now. I only know how I felt at the time of my baby’s birth.
Then, I was disappointed that I couldn’t push my baby out on my own– after ~19 hours of labor with ~4 1/2 hours of pushing. I needed help via an episiotomy, which made me feel like a failure. I didn’t have a c-section like you did, but it’s only because I’d labored so long at a birth center first. My midwife literally gave it all she had before she transferred me to the hospital. Had I been in the hospital to start with, I would have had a c-section for certain.
At the time, I thought to myself, “Thank God it’s over and he’s out and I didn’t have a c-section!” At the time, I thought that a c-section was the worst case scenario. But why? A scar? Painful healing? Healing that takes longer than a vaginal birth?
Hmm…
My healing from childbirth has made me re-think all of that. Is a c-section really “so” bad? I don’t know. But I can tell you that healing from my vaginal birth has included 1) a scar, 2) painful healing and 3) a long time frame for healing– exactly those things that I feared with a c-section.
Sure, I don’t have an abdominal scar. But I still have a belly that shows that I’ve carried a baby. As I lose the fat underneath my skin, the skin is still looser than it was before. It may tighten up over time, but I suspect that it won’t ever be like it was before I had my baby. And I’ve decided that’s okay! I wouldn’t trade my baby for my pre-pregnancy belly.
Second, my healing process has been very painful! It’s taken a LONG time to simply feel normal again. Seriously, it’s just been in the past week that I’ve felt significantly better. The pressure in my perineum when I walk and shop and carry my baby and move his carseat with him in it is so much less.
My point is: no matter what kind of birth you have, it may take a long time to feel good again. My intention is not to scare you but to reassure you. I caused myself undue stress by assuming that I would heal a lot quicker than I did. I thought 6 weeks would be the very longest it would take me to feel good again. Oh, NO! Not even close. I sincerely hope you heal faster than I have, but if you don’t, please don’t worry! Give yourself time. The waiting really really sucks, but it will happen! Make patience your best friend.
When I was in the midst of physically feeling really, really bad, week after week after week, I had a lot of time to think about all the “what ifs”:
- What if I’d had a c-section? Would I have had less pain? Would I have healed faster? Is that possible?
- What if I’d started out in the hospital to begin with? Would my baby have needed the NICU if I hadn’t pushed for those extra hours? (**See note.)
- What if my baby didn’t go to the NICU? Would I have been successful with breastfeeding?
- What if I’d had an epidural instead of doing it unmedicated? Would I have been less physically spent when he was finally born? Would I have been able to feel elation when he came out instead of feeling dazed and traumatized?
- What if I’d been able to birth my baby vaginally without an episiotomy cut? How much different would I feel?
- What if I hadn’t taken castor oil to induce me at 41 weeks + 2 days? Would I have gone into labor on my own before 42 weeks anyway? Would I have had an easier labor? Would it have changed the outcome?
What if, what if, what if? Why do we do that to ourselves? Yep– if I’d had a c-section, you can bet that I’d be playing the same “what if” game from that perspective. It’s insane!!
What points am I trying to make? What advice do I want to give?
When we’re pregnant, it’s only natural that we want the perfect birth experience. When that happens it’s great! I’m sooo happy for those lucky ladies! But if it didn’t happen for you, then try to be gentle with yourself. It’s not your fault. You did the best you could. Give yourself the time to grieve for the birth experience that you wanted but didn’t get. Give yourself a lot of time. Time does heal. Know that the post-partum hormonal crash makes every sad feeling feel so much worse.
Nope– I’ll never know if changing one or more variables in my labor and delivery experience would have turned my traumatic experience into a satisfying one. With every passing month, I’m letting go of the what ifs. I’m getting closer and closer to…acceptance.
Yep– now that I’ve had my own “less-than-ideal childbirth and failed breastfeeding” experiences, I realize that my thinking on this topic is no longer “black and white” like it used to be.
Before, it was a little too easy to assume that a hospital birth would be bad and a birth center birth would be good…an epidural would be bad, and an unmedicated birth would be good…a c-section would be bad, and a vaginal birth would be good…formula feeding would be bad and breastfeeding would be good…etc, etc.
Now I know that there’s plenty of good and bad in all of it. A lot of things are out of our control, anyway.
Andrea– congratulations again! Enjoy your new baby girl. Rest when you can (easier said than done, I know!) Recover. Accept help whenever you can. Do what’s best for you and your baby. These next few weeks will probably be difficult, but you’ll get through it. The learning curve can be rough, but pretty soon you and your baby will have a “flow.” Enjoy each phase of your newborn’s development. It’s true that they grow so fast! I’m starting to have a lot of fun with my almost 3 month old.
Sincerely,
Elisa
(P.S.: I’m still a brand new mom!)
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(**Note that my baby was never in any distress while I was pushing. I do not fault my midwife in any way whatsoever. I support her and all of her decision making surrounding my labor. And, during my 6 week post-partum check-up we actually had this same “what if” conversation.)
Click here to read my baby’s birth story.
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