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Todd at 5 months + 1 week old (23 weeks) – January 30, 2015
SIXTH MONTH
(JANUARY 21 – FEBRUARY 21)
I’ve been thinking this every month– but it seems like each month there’s more going on than the last! Baby development fascinates and entertains me! Let’s dive in…
WEEK 23
There’s lots new to mention this week about sleep and food! (Two of my favorite things, you too?)
Todd grabbing at his loose bedding – January 22, 2015
Sleep–
- Todd started out his 6th month with 2 more record-length night time sleeps (10.75 hours on January 21-22 and 11 hours on January 23-24). In general, 10+ hour night time sleeps are now a regular occurrence and not just outliers.
- Now– when I put Todd in his crib for the night, he’s generally wide awake and no longer practically asleep. He shows that he’s tired by arching back and waving his head from side to side during his before-bed feeding. In bed, he makes little moaning/squeaking noises and then usually falls asleep without crying.
- Check this out! Todd took some day time naps in his crib instead of the swing. I tested it out on January 23rd, not out of necessity, but because I’ve been feeling increasingly nervous knowing that Todd will soon grow too big for the swing. I didn’t know how he’d react to the crib for naps…
That morning, I dressed Todd in his usual (warm) nap clothing, I put on a lullaby music CD, I turned on his Baby Einstein Sea Dreams Soother, and I gave him a blanket friend to play with. He didn’t cry. He chatted and played for a few minutes, then went to sleep!! Unfortunately, I had to wake him up after 1.5 hours because we had to leave the house for my doctor appointment.
In the afternoon of that same day, he took a 45 minute crib nap. On January 24th, he crib-napped 30 minutes. On January 25th, he crib-napped 45 minutes. On January 26th, he crib-napped 30 minutes, but it was broken up by some crying. But…
On January 27th, he protested his crib nap…so I put him in the swing. And the little turkey fell asleep almost instantly and slept for 2.75 hrs…which is a very typical swing nap length.
After that, I decided that I wanted my “über-napper” back, so from that day onward it was back to swing naps. So…we’ll face the day Todd gets too big for the swing when that day comes. For now we won’t fix what isn’t broken!
1st Crib Nap – January 23, 2015
Food–
I know, I know– Todd isn’t 6 months old yet! But this week we started experimenting with solid food. I started reading a book about Baby Led Weaning (BLW).
On January 25th, Eric made some guacamole (we use just avocado and lime, nothing else). I was going to just put a dot on Todd’s lips for him to taste. Well, Eric got a little excited and grabbed Todd’s spoon to feed him a bite…and another…and another. Todd seemed excited to eat it up. After several bites, though, something triggered his gag reflex, and out it all came. I was taking pics so I caught him mid-gag, haha! The Great Guacamole Feed was over!
Right before the guacamole came up! – January 25, 2015
On January 26th, I went shopping at Babies R Us. We needed some new nipples for our Philips Avent Natural Bottles. Avent’s been our preferred bottle ever since I tried the one I got for free from Target for starting up a baby registry.
If you can believe it, Todd was still using the #1 Newborn Flow nipples well into his 4th month and he only started using the #2 Slow Flow nipples (recommended for ages 1 mo +) well into his 5th month. (We didn’t start the #2s sooner because the formula would run out of his mouth too fast.)
After the shopping trip, we retired the #2s and started using the new #3 Medium Flow nipples (recommended for ages 3 mo +). I bought some Fast Flow (#4) nipples (recommended for ages 6 mo +) for future use.
Todd was ready. After that, he started guzzling 8 ounces in a feeding, without excessive leakage. He purposefully grabbed at his bottle with both hands, pulled it to his mouth, and, for the most part, held it on his own when reclined.
Also on January 26th, we started offering Todd finger foods. At this point, the goal is “food play.” He was definitely interested in all the new textures, smells and tastes. He liked rubbing the firm fruits/veggies against his toothless gums, and he can “bite” off small pieces. His gag reflex worked well when small pieces found their way to the back of his tongue. Yes, I’m being very careful about choking prevention!
Sucking on an apple slice – January 26, 2015
Highlights:
- 1st 10.75 hour & 11 hour night time sleeps (1/21 to 1/22 and 1/23 to 1/24)
- 1st crib nap (1/23)
- 1st rollerblade using the 3-wheel stroller (Centennial Trail, 1/25)
- 1st trial spoon-feeding solid food (guacamole, 1/25)
- grabbing his loose bedding and pulling it over him (1/22)
- funny tongue protruding (see video)
- falling asleep at night without crying despite being wide awake
- started using medium flow nipples
- holding own bottle if reclined
- kicking at mattress in his crib (can hear him through the wall)
- new finger foods this week: apple, avocado, steamed broccoli, romaine leaves, spinach leaves, raw red pepper, raw celery.
Walk at Langus Riverfront Park & Spencer Island Regional Park – January 24, 2015
Rollerblading on the Centennial Trail – January 25, 2015
WEEK 24
On February 3rd, I heard some new scratching sounds coming from the baby monitor in the morning. My suspicion was correct: Todd had rolled himself onto his belly and was scratching at his sheets. When I walked in, he was also fingering the monitor (sitting in the corner). Time to move the monitor!
1st time on his belly in the crib – February 3, 2015
Highlights:
- 1st time rolling back-to-belly in his crib (2/3)
- I nicknamed him “thumper” because of his mattress kicking.
- Visit from Eric’s parents and our friend, Ellen (2/4)
- new finger foods this week: rotini pasta noodle, pancake, banana, pizza crust, yam
- spoon-fed pureed food: yam, banana, green smoothie
Munchin’ on a pancake – January 31, 2015
WEEK 25
We had a sad start to this week because our ~15 year old cat, Millie, died on Friday, February 6th. You can read about her in the previous post, Missing Millie.
Millie and Todd – February 6, 2015
Todd was getting noticeably way more active! He’s a high-energy guy, especially in the evenings. Here’s some new things in the “motor function” department this week:
- On his back, he started doing a “hip-wiggle-wiggle” marching thing, and one time he spun himself around in almost a complete circle while on his back. Imagine a clock hand going around!
- From his back, he very quickly rolls to his belly. From there, he can now spin ~90 degrees on his belly to reach for toys. He started doing a “pseudo-crawl” to propel forward.
- At the end of the week, he did more rolling from belly-to-back than he’s done in previous weeks. Now it’s more smooth and coordinated.
Food–
On February 5th, I gave Todd a sip of my green smoothie, and he wanted more, so I gave him a couple tablespoons from his own “cup” (a mini silicone pinch bowl). That started a regular habit of giving him green smoothie most mornings. He slurps while I pinch the sides. He loves it, and he tries to pull the bowl into his mouth with his hands. Our green smoothies contain kale or collard greens, banana, orange, avocado, celery, berries, tropical fruits (pineapple, mango) and pea protein powder.
Todd watches me closely from his ExerSaucer when I’m in the kitchen. He knows when I’m preparing his “formula milk” and gets visibly excited when he’s ready for some (he bounces up and down).
Slurping up green smoothie – February 7, 2015
Sleep– AKA…Transition to Tummy Sleeping!
- February 9…I put Todd to bed at 7:30 PM and he was wide awake. He quickly rolled to his tummy in his crib. “Oh, no,” I thought! When he fell asleep that way I was shocked! Two hours later, I heard him crying and I knew why. I turned him back over and he slept on his back for the rest of the night.
- February 10th…I put Todd to bed at 8 PM and he immediately rolled to his tummy. I put him on his back again, then he fell asleep. He woke up at 2:45 AM and he was on his tummy again. I fed him and he returned to sleep on his back.
- February 11th…I put Todd to bed at 7:30 PM and he was actually asleep for a change. He woke up crying at 2:30 AM. This time, he was on his tummy with his head in the corner. There were some red abrasions on his head from the crib rails. After I fed him, I put him on his back. Within just a couple minutes, he turned onto his tummy AND got himself facing the opposite direction! He was picking at the loose edge of his sheet where his feet normally would be. I put him on the floor so I could fix his sheets. Within minutes on the floor he rolled from back-to-belly and then belly-to-back. It took until 4 AM to get us both back in our beds.
- February 12th…I padded Todd’s crib so that he wouldn’t create more abrasions on his head. (Previously, the rails were lined with just a thin mesh crib liner). I did a pretty good DYI job, using some old folded bath towels.
Todd’s Padded Room – February 12, 2015
That evening, we went to our condo in Wenatchee and I lowered the “mattress” in the Pack ‘N Play travel bed. Todd went right to sleep at 10:30 PM, but he woke up crying an hour later. Sure enough, he’d wiggled himself into the corner. I fed him and he fell asleep on his tummy. At 3:45 AM, he wasn’t crying but it sounded like he was struggling. Head in the corner again! I moved him to the center and he fell asleep.
Highlights:
- 1st tummy sleeping (2/9)
- Visit at Eric’s parents house (2/10)
- gets more distracted by his feet/socks (or other items) while sitting on the toilet
- new mouth/tongue sucking thing he kept doing
- “hip wiggle wiggle” on back (see video below)
- pseudo crawling to propel forward
- more rolling belly-to-back, more smoothly and coordinated
- tries to do a sit-up when on his back
- new finger foods this week: pancake (made with wheat flour, cornmeal, pumpkin), Baby Mum Mum cracker
- new spoon-fed pureed food this week: taste of lentil/tomato soup broth, baked beans
WEEK 26 (AND PART OF 27)
It IS still ski season, although there isn’t much snow…
Todd & Eric at Mission Ridge – February 13, 2015
This week Todd settled into his tummy sleeping routine. Now, I don’t have to “rescue” him, for the most part. He’s often seen sleeping with knees drawn up underneath him…so cute!
Sleeping in the Pack ‘n Play travel bed – February 15, 2015
Sitting in his FIsher Price chair – February 15, 2015
At our condo, the papasan chair is a favorite! He loves being assisted to stand up against the side “wall,” then tries to let go, and falls backward. It’s been a great chair to have because he can also sit and play in it while we fix meals and such.
More “firsts” in motor function this week:
- Todd got up on hands-and-knees from his belly for the first time.
- From sitting, Todd can now reach way out in front for things, and he did his first transition (in control) from sitting-to-belly when reaching for a toy.
- Todd stood for a full 4 seconds completely balanced and without any support. He likes to practice standing using the “rails” of his play mat. He needs help to get “placed” but then we let go. Then, he lets go with one hand and then the other.
- From hands-and-knees, Todd pulled his left knee and foot way under him for the first time (February 20th).
- Briefly presses up into a “plank,” from belly.
Hands & Knees – February 19, 2015
On February 18th, Todd had his 6 month pediatrician check-up, including receiving his 6 month vaccines. Todd was 15 pounds, 6.5 ounces (14th percentile), 26″ long (25th percentile), and head circumference 42.5 cm (27th percentile). Growth in all areas picked up since the last visit!
The doctor said to start feeding solids twice a day and that no food is off limits (from an allergy standpoint), if properly prepared. (Honey is the exception but we don’t eat honey!)
Closing out the 6th month in style–> Todd has been on a roll with pooping in the toilet. There were ZERO poopy diapers for the entire month! As I complete this post (on February 23rd), it’s been 39 days in a row and we’re still counting. The last poopy diaper was January 15th! The little bit of solid food that Todd’s been eating hasn’t changed the consistency, although the color (of the digested green smoothie) is noticeably darker.
Highlights:
- 1st time getting up on hands and knees (2/15)
- 1st time going from sitting-to-belly (2/16)
- 1st “crawl” from one end of the couch to the other (2/16)
- 1st standing without any support and completely balanced (for 4-seconds, 2/16)
- Record sleep, 11.25 hrs (2/18 to 2/19)
- got startled when he tooted on the toilet…haha! (2/20)
- pooping in the toilet for the whole month
- examines fingertips of both hands and touches them together, etc
- making sounds: “bom,” ba” and “ma ma”
- lots of smiles and giggles
- wearing 6 and 9 month clothes
- very driven/motivated to challenge himself; likes to show off
- now prefers to be on his tummy rather than his back, because he’s more mobile that way
- new finger foods this week: pancake (made with wheat and oat flours, applesauce, almond butter), vegan burger patty (from Costco)
- new spoon-fed pureed food this week: sweet potato, peas
- 1st time using the Fisher Price Healthy Care™ Booster Seat (2/13)
6 Months Old – February 21, 2015
As I complete this post, it’s now September 18, 2014, and my #minivegan is 4 weeks old. This story of Todd’s birth is quite long, but I didn’t want to leave anything out…
My niece, Ashley, made this sign for me while waiting for Todd’s birthday.
Before I detail how Todd’s birth day actually played out, I feel the need to outline what I’d hoped for in a birth experience:
I planned to deliver Todd in the birth center where I’d been receiving all my prenatal care. My midwife, doula, husband, sister, and 10 year old niece would be present. I expected labor to be difficult, painful work, but not anything that I couldn’t handle. I was strangely, honestly never fearful or anxious leading up to the onset of labor. I wanted to experience it fully without any medication that would dull the sensations. I wanted to have pictures and maybe video footage of Todd when he emerged from my body.
I pictured my husband perhaps catching him, and Todd being brought up to my chest immediately after. His cord clamping would be delayed. I would enjoy the flood of oxytocin and the “high” that I’d read about, immediately after his arrival. Breastfeeding would be initiated as soon as possible. Later, we would all enjoy the quiet time together. Finally, we would share the birthday cake that we made for the occasion.
——————————————————-
And here’s what REALLY happened. As “they” say, things don’t always turn out according to plan…
As per the recommendation from my midwife on Wednesday, August 20th, I ingested 2 ounces of castor oil at bedtime that night. It was about 9:30 or 10 PM. I drank it plain. It was quite thick and somewhat tasteless. “Let the games begin,” I wrote on Facebook. Famous last words!!
The midwife told me to expect contractions to come ~2 minutes apart right away due to the castor oil, so I should not be surprised about that.
Something made me wake up at about 11:30 PM. I didn’t get back to sleep after that, so I got only 1.5 hours of sleep to prepare me for the next ~19.5 hours…
Oddly, I don’t remember when the contractions started. I also don’t remember when the horrendous watery diarrhea started. I do know that I was back and forth from my bed to the bathroom many times in those early hours. It was bad enough to make me really NOT want to repeat the 2 ounce caster oil dose again at 2 AM, like I was instructed to do.
Just before 2 AM, I called the midwife’s pager, seeking advice regarding the castor oil. Ultimately, I followed my gut and I didn’t repeat the dose. I’m sure glad about that!
I started timing contractions at 2 AM, using a phone app. For about an hour, they were lasting about 45 seconds to 1 minute duration, coming 2-2.5 minutes apart, and they were of “moderate” severity.
At about 3 AM, I started rating my contractions at “strong” intensity. Duration = ~1 minute. Frequency= every 2-3 minutes, with a few longer breaks. I felt the worst pain as a “ring of burning” around my hips.
I called my doula (Serena) at 3:15 AM to tell her that I needed her. She arrived at 3:50 AM. I don’t know when the vomiting started, but I sure had poor Eric cleaning up my bathroom. Serena wrote in her notes that I had “lots of puke” before her arrival, and that my last vomit was at 5 AM.
From the time she arrived, Serena would press in firmly against my hips to try and ease the intense burning pain around my hips.
At 4:20 AM, I had some leaking fluids that we suspected was my “water” breaking. It wasn’t a big gush. While at home, I labored on my bed, using the birth ball, leaning over the kitchen sink, sidelying on the floor, and sidelying on the couch. Serena suggested I try to walk a little outside, but I just could not do it. No way. Too bad, because the weather was clear and it was probably a nice morning for a walk.
4:17 AM – Serena (doula) present – Leaking fluids
4:40 AM
5:13 AM
5:31 AM
At 6:20 AM, Serena thought it was time to call the midwife and go to the birth center. Jane was the midwife on call. I was glad it was her, because I’d seen her the most during my pregnancy. But I would have been happy if Brianna took the call, too. They are both great!
At 7:00 AM, we arrived at the birth center. In order to make the short walk to/from the car more bearable, Serena wrapped a long piece of fabric tightly around my hips to provide compression.
7:01 AM – With Serena
7:48 AM
At 8:00 AM, I got my first dose of Penicillin, since I was GBS+.
8:12 AM – Jane (midwife), Gabi (birth assistant, checking fetal heart rate), Karin, and Ashley
8:25 AM
At 8:45 AM, I was dilated to 5 cm, and Jane opened my cervix up to 7 cm.
8:46 AM
At 9:00 AM, I got into the tub. I stayed there for a long time because I felt the best there.
9:13 AM – Serena
9:16 AM
At 10:00 AM, my sister went to the store to get me some Coconut Bliss ice cream. Unfortunately, I ate very little that day, but the ice cream was soothing and provided me with needed calories.
Earlier, I had some watermelon and a cherry flavored soy yogurt. In retrospect, I should have been eating a lot more. I took in fluids regularly while in the tub, but I’m sure I was still quite dehydrated from the early morning diarrhea. Later on in the afternoon, I don’t remember drinking much.
At 12:20 PM, Jane did a cervical check, and I was at 9 cm. I forced the smile in the picture below. It was possibly the only time I smiled that day. In the tub, I remember thinking to myself repeatedly that it’s a good thing I’m only going to do this once. The pain was The Worst Ever. I tried so hard to simply breathe through it, but sometimes it was just too unbearable and I would vocalize a sort of moan or a cry. But, for what it was, I think I did a good job handling it.
12:40 PM
12:46 PM
12:50 PM – Ashley pours water over my back
At 2 PM, I started pushing while in the tub.
(By the way– I was not really aware of time throughout the whole labor. I have recreated the exact timeline from the notes I received from Serena and Jane, along with date stamps on our photos and videos.)
2:01 PM – Pushing begins
I started out pushing while leaning back against the tub. A half hour later, I pushed on a birth stool in the tub. I felt inside myself and I could feel baby’s head. I was encouraged.
At some point when I was on the birth stool, Jane had to do something REALLY, SUPER, PAINFUL. She said that baby was not advancing over a 1/2 cm anterior cervix lip. She had to stretch and manipulate my cervix during the pushes, in order to get baby’s head to move past the barrier.
I have 3 video clips of that part. It must have taken 3 contractions for Jane and I to accomplish it, because the video clips are about 3 minutes apart. When I watch and listen, I get tense and I can feel my heart rate increase. O-M-G. That’s a pain I’ll never forget.
Pushing was very frustrating to me. I never really had the urge to push. It was hard for me to tell when to start and when to stop. I remember mentioning this to Jane several times. I needed her guidance constantly. I tried to breathe through the pushes and to avoid holding my breath. Nothing about this phase felt instinctual.
At 3 PM, I tried pushing from reclining on the bed. At some point, I was instructed to sit on the toilet to push. Jane was having me try all different positions.
At 3:15 PM, I pushed on the birth stool with a Rebozo (a ~5 ft long Mexican shawl) wrapped around my back (held by Serena), while my legs were braced up against Jane’s chest.
All this time, baby’s heart rate was staying in the 120s-140s. I don’t remember when it was that Jane mentioned something about baby “not tucking his head.” Was that what was taking so long? He was doing a brow presentation?
At 4 PM, I was instructed to assume all fours on the bed, with my head and arms down on pillows and my butt up in the air. I remember being left alone for some time, and I felt really lost. I still couldn’t tell when the contractions started and stopped. I still wasn’t feeling urges to push. Later on, I would learn that this position was used for the purpose of trying to reposition the baby somehow, so that he would advance better.
It must have been around this time that my family was getting concerned. For myself, I was definitely “checking out” more and more. I stopped opening my eyes. I was getting more and more fatigued from the unending pain and exertion. At some point, I remember asking, “What time is it, anyway?” I don’t remember what the answer was.
At 4:25 PM, I was due for another dose of Penicillin. I was also given IV fluids (sodium chloride). Then, I was back on my back with legs drawn up. I would continue to push that way for another 2+ hours.
Jane and Serena kept telling me that I was really effective with my pushes, but baby would go back up between each contraction. After a while, I started to wonder if they were just being encouraging. (When I met with Serena days after the birth, she told me that they were being encouraging, but it was also true. That made me feel a little better.)
At 5:50 PM, baby’s head was crowning. Jane said that I needed to deliver soon. I had to find more strength with each push. I heard the urgency. I especially heard it in my sister’s voice when she pleaded, “c’mon, c’mon.” I heard the worry and the desperation in her voice. It makes me emotional to think about it. I started holding my breath and bearing down hard with everything I had. (This caused lots of burst blood vessels in my face, especially around my eyes.)
At the time, I thought I was “so” close, but looking back, I really don’t think I was. Jane wrote in her notes that 4 cm of baby’s head was visible in the last hour. She tried to help stretch my perineum as I pushed: more excruciating pain. It wasn’t enough. Through all of this, baby’s heart rate remained in the 130s.
After 6:30 PM, I was completely exhausted, both mentally and physically. It was clear to all that I needed some extra help. Jane said baby needed a vacuum extraction. I had to be transferred to the hospital, at Providence, which was a few blocks away.
The ambulance was called. I heard the sirens. Eric said they used a full sized fire truck to block off Colby street. I hadn’t opened my eyes in a couple hours and I never opened them while I was being moved from bed to gurney. I never looked at the EMS personnel who helped me. I don’t know what it looked like inside the ambulance. All I remember were the voices and the sound of my now continuous moaning. They put an oxygen mask on my face and they started an IV line in my arm. I reached down and I could feel baby’s protruding head.
Eric, meanwhile, got our things packed up in the car, and he ran lights to try to catch up to the ambulance. He didn’t know where to go, exactly. (We never took a hospital tour!) Fortunately, he managed to get there right when they were loading me into the elevator. He asked if he could come into that elevator, but they said he should wait. He told them, “That’s my wife,” and then they let him in.
My sister and niece drove separately. Unfortunately, they first went to the wrong Providence campus, which is located further north in Everett, before being directed back to the correct location. I guess Ashley cried during my ambulance transfer. It makes me sad to think about it. I’m sorry she had to see me having so much difficulty. I didn’t see them until later.
Once I got into the hospital room, I finally opened my eyes. I swear I remember someone telling me that they were giving me some Fentanyl. I had IV lines in both arms. Later, I would ask about that. Oddly, there was no documentation that I ever got Fentanyl. Weird. My memory of that is so vivid. I don’t think I would have been given that drug in the ambulance. (??)
The doctor said she would do an episiotomy, so she would give me a local anesthetic. When she warned that it would hurt a little, I actually laughed a little to myself. What’s a little pain from a needle poke after what I’d been through?! Eric told me later that it was a nurse who suggested the episiotomy. Once the cut was made, I was ready to push during the next contraction. At this point I still doubted my ability to get baby out. I still feared a C-section. I gave that push everything I had left.
It was 7:08 PM, and baby Todd came right out. Eric said the doctor reached both hands in there and guided him out. I saw my baby boy for the first time just briefly as the medical personnel quickly lifted him up and moved him to a bassinet near the foot of my bed. He didn’t come right to my chest. There was no delayed cord clamping. But oddly, I just did not care. My overwhelming feeling was just the immense relief that he was out. And it was over. And he looked healthy. And it was over. I could finally relax.
7:10 PM
Video of Todd at 7:15 PM: IMG_1742
7:43 PM
Video of Todd at 7:44 PM:
At 7:45 PM, the nurse brought Todd to me for the first time. I was still pretty dazed, though. It was awkward to hold him because the IV in my right elbow crease prevented me from bending my arm enough. That was annoying. But it felt really good to have him in my arms.
After the birth, Serena and Jane were allowed to visit me. Serena brought me some pop and pretzels (the only vegan snack options she could find in the hospital at the time). Jane took the pictures of me holding Todd for the first time:
7:45 PM
7:45 PM
7:51 PM – 3169 grams = 6.99 pounds
The whole time that Todd was away from me and being manipulated by the medical staff, Eric was with him. Eric had noticed some twitching that became a concern because of the possibility of seizure activity. Because of that and because of an elevated white blood cell count, they wanted Todd to go to the NICU. They wanted to give him IV antibiotics as a precaution against infection. Another disappointment.
My sister and niece came into the room to visit me after Todd was sent to the NICU. It was a great comfort to see them. My sister said she was so sorry about all that I went through. It wasn’t the joyous birth experience we’d all hoped for, with all of us together. Of course, the important thing was that Todd appeared healthy.
8:27 PM – Not a happy guy in the NICU. Separated from mom and poked/prodded by strangers. 😦
When Ashley tried to visit Todd in the NICU, she was denied access because of her age. To know that happened and that she cried over not being able to finally see baby Todd just broke my heart. That sweet girl had been anticipating Todd’s arrival more than anyone else, and she was with me the whole day. It was so upsetting. She had to wait a full 24 hours before she could finally meet him and hold him, because that’s how long Todd was in the NICU.
I was transferred to a different hospital room, and I went to visit Todd in the NICU a little while later. Eric slept in my room overnight, and we visited Todd again the next morning, at about 7:30 AM. Eric went home for a while.
I visited Todd in the NICU every few hours that day. He made cute frog noises, so Eric gave him the nickname, “Ribbit.” The neonatologist decided during their staff rounds in the late morning that Todd didn’t need any more IV antibiotics. There was no concern about seizure activity. The only thing that kept him in the NICU longer was maintaining his blood sugars.
10:52 AM – 8/22/14
Video of Todd at 2:53 PM on 8/22/13:
In the late evening, Todd was discharged from the NICU and brought to my room. Ashley finally got to meet him and hold him. I was sooooo happy!! We stayed one more night in the hospital.
9:51 PM – 8/22/14 – Ashley finally gets to meet Todd.
10:06 PM – 8/22/14
On Saturday, August 23rd, we got to go home!
4:43 AM – 8/23/14
8:14 AM – 8/23/14
1130 AM – 8/23/14
1:17 PM – 8/23/14 – Going home!
1:40 PM – 8/23/14 – Home!
Reflecting back, 4 weeks later–
I know it sounds really bad, but initially I considered my baby’s birth day to be the worst day of my life. Why? It was not just the physical pain. If that was the only thing, then it would have been okay. Even though it was the very worst pain ever, I do feel like I coped with it well. What made it bad was the pain compounded by everything else:
- feeling like a failure because I couldn’t get my baby out on my own
- having to be transferred to the hospital
- not having my family present at the end (other than Eric)
- being unable to feel intense joy once he came out (because I was utterly spent)
- being personally separated from my baby in the minutes/hours/day after birth
- not having intimate family time with Todd after his birth
Of course, what made it the worst day wasn’t “that” he was born, it was “how” he was born. I’ve done a lot of crying. I’ve had to process my sadness and my disappointment. I wanted it to be different. I know I should count my blessings. It could have been worse in a thousand ways. I am grateful. But it’s still normal to grieve, and I’ve had to do a lot of that. It hasn’t been easy. I’m only human.
Writing this post (and others to come) is one way that I can give some closure to the experience. I love my baby Todd so very much. I’m so glad he was born. But I’m so glad that I don’t ever have to go through childbirth again. Maybe it would be different and better “next time,” but we are definitely “one and done.”
Freeheel Vegan 